Letter to Phil

 I'm going to sandwich this in between posts.  Philip wrote this in his letter of the week.  I want to include it for historic purposes because I doubt I have my own copy of the letter I wrote him.  

Sometimes our soul-defining experiences are not shared with the larger world. My sister Catharine is celebrating a birthday this coming Tuesday. She and her family suffered unspeakable tragedy when her son, just two-years-old, died in a fire in their garage. Catharine taught me much from their experience. Some month’s after Thomas’s passing, Catharine wrote me a letter. Dear Phil, I have thought a little bit about our conversation and have had some thoughts that I wanted to share. First, I was thinking about how I told you that we'd really been blessed with the spirit of the comforter. We have, and I could never make it through without heavenly help, but I don't want you to think it isn't hard because it is. We love Thomas so much, and when you love, we have found out, you risk pain, and the more you love, the more you can hurt. There are moments of real pain, especially when my thoughts of him are the most clear. There are also days when I walk around feeling that something is wrong, and when I stop to try to put a finger on it, it is easily apparent. There is always someone 'missing' from our family now. I know this won't change until we are all reunited…. Another thing we talked about was how you didn't think you could ever handle anything like this. I wouldn't have thought I could either. You would be surprised at your own strength--the strength a testimony of Jesus Christ can give you (though we definitely went through some soul searching to see how strong our testimonies really are)…. I told [our sisters] that I feel like I've been in the Garden of Eden all my life and have just partaken of the fruit of knowledge--not of good and evil, but of pain vs. joy--and have just been cast out into the lone and dreary world. I understand pain now. I thought I'd had trials before. Now I'm not sure I'd file them under 'trials.' The lone and dreary world is not all bad. As I said, I am closer to my Heavenly Father now than I ever have been. I have felt the Holy Ghost more often and more strongly than ever before. As my friend who lost her husband after we lost Tom told me, "I thought I knew what the Holy Ghost felt like--I was wrong." There were two nights that Roy and I were blessed intensely with the comforter. I sometimes desire to have that feeling again, but I'm afraid I'd have to go through another trial equal to this one and I'm not ready for that. I still have the comforter with me often, but it's not like it was those two nights following the funeral. Some 23 years after this experience, Catharine shared another story from that time that was not in her letter. In primary they had a lesson on peace. The leader asked what makes us not have peace. Adri [my sister’s then four-year old daughter] raised her hand and said, "when someone dies. That makes us really sad….The leader really had to swallow hard so she wouldn't cry at that. She went on and asked other kids more questions, then she said, "What helps us to find peace?" Adri raised her hand again and said, "Prayer."